While wandering around the wonderfully low price, low class, and low-American-made products wonderland that is Wal-Mart, a strange, rhythmic 'swoosh' sound assaulted my ears. It sounded like a hard-bristled brush being rubbed against a ceramic tile. This is actually a sound many of you are familiar with, as you've either generated it or been a victim of it.
This horrifying sound is caused by one thing, and one thing only: people who have muscle mass so deficient that they are unable to lift their feet while they walk. Well, that's not entirely true. It is also generated by people who either never learned how to properly walk or are so lazy that they lift their feet only enough to be able to swing their leg forward, essentially dragging the sole of their shoes against the ground.
When I learned how to walk, it went something like this: step, lift foot, move foot forward, plant foot, repeat with opposite foot, repeat. It was that simple, and I mastered it by the time I was three. I was a walking master. If I was able to figure out how to walk so easily, how is it that other individuals above the age of three are unable to lift their feet enough to not shuffle about? Did they never make it past that stage of development physically?
What's worse, it's clear they make no effort to lift their feet - clearly that level of physical exertion puts too much strain on their frail human bodies. So while they're walking around, all you hear is the sultry, sexy sound of their shoe brand of choice being dragged forcibly across the floor. Yeah, that's right, baby! Drag those feet! Nothing is sexier than a woman incapable of walking correctly!
Not only does this actually make your shoes wear down faster, but it makes you prone to falling on your face, which I admit would amuse me greatly. But that's beside the point, which is that you should pick up your fucking feet - shuffling about makes you look like a Neanderthal. If you are incapable of lifting your feet while you walk, perhaps I'll have to saw your legs off, as they're apparently far too long, you freak.
